Runny noses every other week. Bodies discovering and adapting to a new disease. Obliviousness to reasons why one should not bring their dirty hands to their mouths; licking common area surfaces like they’re a lollipop.
Giggly faces, sweaty foreheads, and pounding little hearts. Their fast, sharp turns around the red slide make my own heart STOP… and my head spin just as fast. “WATCH OUT!” I blurt, as I watch them barely miss the edge of a random object sticking out of the playground.
And I can’t help but wonder, do I admire their parents, pity, or belittle them for making such a blunt, crazy decision? For taking on the challenge to live through this adrenaline every waking minute of their lives—for at least the first twelve years?
Oh, hi — have I told you lately that I’m also an educator who’s spent more time with kids than I ever thought possible? Don’t get me wrong, there is a reason why; I looove kids! Simply put. Do I want my own? Hell to the nooo. Simply put.
Yes, I’m that person with a split heart when it comes to this “controversial” matter. I’ve always been very clear about that. What’s crazy is that, the more time I spend with little ones, the more I adore them…and the more I am happy about my decision not to have any of my own. And don’t get me started on how good of a mother I think I would be…if ever should I or could be. How confusing is that?
I’ve tried to make it make sense of it myself, and my conclusion is that maybe THIS feeling is fine. Just fine. Balance manifests in many different ways. We might not entirely understand it, but somewhere somehow it makes sense. Even if not immediately, one day it all falls into place. I think it already has for me.
No doubt I still question this contradiction, but I can also see the why’s on both sides. It’s fulfilling. Spending time with kids (my own family or my students), loving or spoiling them, but being able to return them, works perfectly for me. Normalize that! Because I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.
So this is dedicated to the gals (and the guys) who will nod when reading this and say, “Yes, girl, I hear that.”
