Fools or Selective Memory?
“May your walls come down for the right one” is a mantra of my own that I sometimes recite to friends who find it hard to open up to new relationships. But in reality, it’s a line born out of my own hesitations and my continuous struggle with letting my guard down.
In my history, every time I try to let down my guard I’m reminded why I keep the security tight. Open up, and I’m betrayed. Get too comfortable, I’m met with disrespect. Profess my feelings, they don’t reciprocate… And they don’t realize it — that even though my heart hangs on my sleeve, it fights attachment and it’s hard to trap.
Trust issues don’t just develop overnight nor is mistrust an inherent trait. Someone (or everyone), at some point in your life, must’ve messed up so badly that now your head is whacked. Your distrust of people is not always your fault.
Despite my own issues, I tend to give some people and circumstances the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, they win me over and my walls start becoming easier to climb. But then like clockwork, the same situation loops around. And like a weak immune system, I’m attacked, blindsided and back to square one.
Vindication is supposed to feel good, supposed to boost your stance. But being proven right in this case just resets the healing progress you’ve made. It’s as if you’ve been holding your breath and can finally exhale, but now you’re hyperventilating. It’s like living with a hole in your heart, waiting for an organ donor that will perfectly match.
Expectations are to blame. Your denial is stronger than the truth, yet you believe in lucky charms.
I feel for fools like me with our selective memory. But, truth is fools like me also remain hopeful in their hearts, that one day it will feel safe to reopen the gates and bring the walls down for someone, the right one, for the last time.
