Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? And Other Questions

Can you really be friends with your ex?

This is an interesting phenomenon and gives us a lot to talk about. But to me, the uncomplicated, straightforward answer to that is yes, it’s possible.

Now, let me break down my full opinion on the matter.

Growing up, I watched too many friends and families’ romantic relationships turn sour, ending in bad terms. There was a lot of grieving through sad music going on. Some of them were always trying to get even. Basically, everybody seemed to be toxic as hell once love was over. Somewhat understandable.

This made me question love sometimes; I think I was afraid of it. And honestly, it’s probably why I have this notion in my head and I’m so cautious about it today. I always believed that once love was over, it was forever over.

As a grown woman with my own experiences now, I understand that it can be over while a friendship can still be possible. HOWEVER, I also understand that sometimes it is never really over. It will depend a lot on how and why the relationship ended.

It’s like a vaccine (for lack of better comparison). Not everyone will have the same reaction to its effects. Symptoms will vary from person to person. What I mean is, while mutuality is necessary for a friendship to work post breakup, there is almost always someone in the relationship who is a little hopeful. They may accept to remain friends for different benefits:

1. They think it could lead to getting back together.
2. To some people who are not over it yet, accepting to stay friends is better than having no contact at all.
3. They may have created a family together, they have no choice. So the amicable route is the best option for this particular breakup.
4. Some people are simply too peaceful to have bad blood with anybody.

I think I fall under the latter, although in my case, choosing to stay friends with my most recent ex came naturally due the length of our relationship. In the process and underneath it all, we were already really good friends.

This brings me to another question: will the amount of time you were together determine whether it will be a genuine friendship or just a “bridge”? Absolutely.

A few-months-old romantic relationship and a years-old relationship can have a different outcome after it’s over. Naturally, the longer you are with someone the better you get to know them, the closer you become, and the harder it is to just say goodbye. You built a life with them, especially if you lived together. So, it’d be almost cruel to completely disconnect. But, of course, if it was the toxic kind, it’s probably for the best that it’s fully terminated.

Should you be friends right away after a breakup?

It works for some people. But then again, there’s the whole “remaining hopeful” thing and it might not be healthy for those with an ulterior motive. Some people need time to process it — and I encourage everyone to take their time to see if that’s really what they want to do.

In those relationships where partners have already been in the talks about what they’re going to do after they go their separate ways, a friendship seems likely. People who communicate are always better at this. (And again, I’m happy to announce I belong to this group of healers * pats self on the back *.) So, perhaps, it is the right thing to do.

Not every party is going to agree and want to talk about it, though. I once dated a guy who thought we couldn’t be friends once we became exes. To him, it was the whole enchilada or no dish at all. I remained optimistic that one day we’d reconnect and it’d all be okay again. Years later, that day did come, but it was not okay. He still wanted something more than a friendship with me, so in this case, it was impossible to keep a peaceful connection. Never mind, I thought, and went on with my life.

Now, a very popular question: would you trust a partner who is still friends with their ex?

Heck. No.

Alright, I’m not going to lie, that was always my answer until I realized it’s totally possible to not want your ex back. This is not a typical answer, though. A lot of people do end up hooking up with their exes at some point, so the odds are low. This ex’s thing can be messy and it’s almost a guarantee that at least one person wants the other back. So, I’d say, TRUST AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I’m sure I didn’t cover it all, so feel free to add more to this topic. It sure is a heated one. ; )