Doubts and Sadness Walk Into a Bar

And by the time doubts and sadness came back out, you had your groove back. It’s all about the spirits you pour in it.

Here’s the thing, I’m an emotional star. My light is bright and bright it shines, even when enfolded in doubts. It’s a contradiction how I find solace in solitude. Or so I swear by. Nobody but myself can put me together. Drop me in the desert and I’ll survive. Though some days I’ll cry out for company, I know I’ll survive.

Sometimes I’m just mad that everything stays but nothing lasts. Or is it sad that I am? Mad and sad; sad and mad. Don’t try to make sense of this all because neither can I. What I’m saying is I hold on to things like that; tightly, longtime, almost to the point of no going back. I’m bad at it, but I’m not the only one.

One day, I read from my archives and went all the way back. And I said to myself, darn, I’ve been sad a long time. But it’s not true, you know, right? I’ve shared a few genuine smiles and laughs. It’s just that, then, I immediately go back to my default setting; sad.

Interestingly, that’s when I feel the most inspired to write. Why?

I can’t quite articulate, sometimes, what triggers this empath heart of mine or why inspiration loves it when I’m down. It’s exhausting to feel this much. I know how to enjoy myself, I’d say, if you asked. I thought I was making the best of every moment in life, but it’s just that when I can’t find my groove back quick enough, I question myself, am I? Am I really making the best of it? I’m trying, I know that much.

Doubts can be dangerous. One should always be cautious about that. They’ll make you self-diagnose with mediocrity; they’ll make you break your own heart.

Maybe I need to remind myself that some people are emotional and warm, while others can get by with a cold heart — and that’s what makes the world go around. Ten years from now, I probably will be writing about my blue days still, but by then I think I’ll understand why.

Our feelings are not bipolar (or maybe they are!). But I know they’re emotions that need to be felt, that need expression, that need you to be in touch with. And when you finally listen, that’s how you find your groove back. Every. Time.